A few years back, I started writing my adult humans birthday letters each year. As my “You’re back!” to writing a blog, I’ve decided to share with you one of my first letters. Names omitted-ish, but I hope you get the gist of my meaning.

From the first moment I saw you, my little Powder, I knew life would never be the same. You entered the world quietly, barely making a sound, in the early evening hours of a February day 21 years ago. You were the same size as (her brother) R (don’t even get me started on your chubby other brother’s weight), and I had been terrified to have a girl after two boys, but you … you had such a peace about you. So calm and soft. I actually checked for a halo ;-). 

You knew exactly what family you belonged to, and it has been a gift to belong to you. 

Happy birthday, my sweet girl. 

Thoreau wrote, “Do not be too moral. You may cheat yourself out of much life so. Aim above morality. Be not simply good, be good for something.” In your lifetime, I hope, above all, that you find those blurred, messy areas to exist in; those passions that make you want to live a purposeful existence. Life is far from black and white, and it is sometimes in the chaos or in the quiet that your greatest lessons will be learned. Be great and be perfect, BUT be those things for a reason. Be moral FOR something. 

Love, deeply and passionately, whatever or whomever that is. There is NOTHING better than loving something/someone so incredibly that you feel like you’re made of fire. Burn, baby, burn. So much of life is mundane; try everything! Taste the world! Pursue those things that make you feel electricity running through you. NEVER live the life others (including your mother) want for you; live life on your terms. 

The best decision I ever made was also the hardest decision I ever made. (Life is so amazing in that way, you know?) When I knew I was in a failed marriage and couldn’t continue, the only worry I had was for you three kids. I will never forget that moment, on an early January 1st morning, acknowledging that I hated my marriage. I had no clue how we’d survive, and Lord knows I made mistake after mistake trying to captain our ship, but somehow we made it. One of the most powerful moments of my entire life occurred when I was standing alone, at the bottom of our staircase in the house in Marina. Sometimes, life is a volcano, but sometimes it’s the ocean. Both are beautiful.

I have never treated Mike the way he deserves, and I believe I am flawed in that sense. I am too much of an alpha to back down, and too unstable to be vulnerable. Learn from what I do wrong and do it differently. I didn’t raise you to be me ;-). I have always been in awe of you and Mike and your quiet way of controlling yourselves and people around you. You both have inner strength that surpasses any of my own; it is your gift. 

I am sorry for every moment Aunt J brought shame to you ;-). She drives me nuts more than you’ll ever know, but I also can’t describe how much space in my heart she holds. You know I met A (her husband, for you readers) when we were only 18. Amazing, right? To have people who love and accept you is beyond words; you only need one or two, and you’ll forgive them all of their glaring issues simply because they are yours, part of your tribe. Find your people, L, and cling to them.

I have GOT to stop telling you three to not have children. What is WRONG with me? And now that I am old-as-hell, I realise that I am afraid you’ll sacrifice your dreams, which is exactly what I did. I woke up a few months back and finally understood that I missed out on my 20s because I had an unsupportive marriage and children; I changed my education, my habits, my options … everything. I lost myself for a very long time. Have children if you want them; I guess I should have been saying don’t lose yourself in the process. 

I love every single thing about our lives, and I wouldn’t have changed a moment of it. Every experience we learned, we saw, we breathed, we LIVED. Sometimes I am so happy with our memories I feel like I’m on fire, and I am SO THANKFUL you and your brothers have been part of the journey. 

I truly, truly, truly believe the following:

The concept of “final destination” is real

Dragons existed; we just haven’t found them yet

Sometimes you need a doctor, sometimes a healer and sometimes plants

In closing, there is an old proverb “we come from lions,” and the idea is that each of us are descended from greatness, from power, from strength. Sadly, in this lifetime, our primal instincts become further and further removed, and we forget that we come from a species that survived Saber-tooth tigers, for Heaven’s sakes. Go to the mountains and let your beast roar, little Loo. Scream, bleed, light your inner animal throughout your life. You are descended from a long, amazing line of lions.

An Ancient Greek poet, Theocritus, wrote (in part) “Dum spiro, spero,” which roughly means, “Whilst I breathe, I hope.” It’s one of the foundational beliefs in my life: While I am here, I have hope. 

Enjoy every second of your 21st year on this amazing planet, L. 

Happy birthday,

Ma